The Great Imputation Saga (A Projection): How I “Slade” the Clerical Myth—Twice—in Eaton County

The Great Imputation Saga (A Projection): How I “Slade” the Clerical Myth—Twice—in Eaton County

Author’s note: This is a humorous, satirical projection piece about an upcoming day in court. It’s not a transcript. It’s a story about possibilities, confidence, and knowing the rules of the game—namely, the Michigan Child Support Formula.

Cold Open: November 17, Eaton County Courthouse

Picture the scene: polished floors, a clock that runs five minutes faster than your pulse, and a courtroom that smells faintly like pencils and resolve. The judge takes the bench. I’m in my corner—calm, caffeinated, and carrying a tidy stack of exhibits like a pastry box at dawn.

Across the aisle sit Mrs. Fowel and her counsel, lawyer Ozzyburn. Lovely people. Capable, composed. And me? I’m here to do one very particular thing: deflate the clerical myth—the story that says a nationally certified diagnostic medical sonographer is, somehow, a part-time secretary forevermore.

Is it personal? Nope. It’s procedural. It’s the Formula. And today’s episode is called: “Imputation: 35 to 40 Hours and the Skills You Actually Have.”

What the Formula Actually Says (in English)

I like to think of the Formula as a four-toggle mixing board. Slide all four to the right and the music sounds like reality:

• Toggle 1 — Skills & Certifications: Use the person’s real training and credentials (not a downshift to something unrelated).

• Toggle 2 — Availability for Work: If there’s no medical incapacity, assume full-time is possible.

• Toggle 3 — Full-Time Means 35–40 Hours: That’s the bright line. Not 29.5. Not “ish.”

• Toggle 4 — Prevailing Wages & Hours Locally: Look at the market where we live and drive—what full-time jobs pay here.

When you set those four toggles correctly, the output is simple: impute to the real profession at real full-time levels. You don’t need a gavel to hear that chord ring true.

Act I: The Yes/No Lightning Round (A Projection)

Judge: “Mr. Lord, do you have any questions for Mrs. Fowel?”

Me: “Just a few yes-or-no questions, Your Honor.”

Q1. You hold an active RDMS certification, correct?

A. Yes.

Q2. You know that full-time, for these purposes, is 35–40 hours per week?

A. Yes.

Q3. You’re aware there are full-time sonography positions in our commutable market?

A. Yes.

Q4. Those positions pay substantially more than part-time clerical roles?

A. Yes.

Q5. You have no medical restriction that prevents full-time work?

A. Correct.

That’s the skeleton. The point isn’t to score a “gotcha.” It’s to gently, clearly align the story with the Formula’s toggles. When the facts are straightforward, the music practically mixes itself.

Act II: Why “Secretary at 30 Hours” Doesn’t Track

Don’t get me wrong—clerical work is honorable. But the Formula asks what the person can earn based on their training, availability, and the community job market, not what they might prefer this week. The story that a nationally certified sonographer is “really” a part-time office assistant misses the toggles:

• Skills/Certs Toggle: RDMS(OB/GYN) is a serious credential. It belongs in the calculation.

• Availability Toggle: No medical incapacity? Then full-time is the baseline, not the ceiling.

• Full-Time Toggle: 35–40 hours per week—clear as a bell.

• Local Market Toggle: The commute map and postings exist; hospitals and imaging centers aren’t imaginary.

When you run that through the Formula’s mixer, the output doesn’t sound like “secretary at 30.” It sounds like professional at 35–40.

Act III: The Two “Slades” (Projection Beats)

Slade #1 — The Facts Set the Tempo. We use a simple, respectful sequence: establish the credential, set the full-time hours, tie to local wages, confirm no incapacity. That’s not aggression—that’s a clean metronome. It invites the court to hear the piece without distortion.

Slade #2 — The Ask Is Modest, Not Maximalist. We don’t cherry-pick overtime. We don’t inflate with shift premiums. We don’t demand 41 hours. We simply ask the court to apply the Formula as written: impute to 35–40 hours at the actual professional wage range supported by the exhibits. It’s a neat, modest request—precisely in tune with the rulebook.

Interlude: Our Russian Blue Court Reporter

Because life needs levity, imagine our house Russian Blue cat (in tiny reading glasses) taking notes on a yellow legal pad, tail curled into a perfect “</>”. Every time the phrase “part-time secretary” hits the air, the cat looks up like, “Really?” The judge coughs; the tail punctuates the record. Comedy keeps the spine straight.

Act IV: The Closing

I stand, and it’s simple:

“Your Honor, we’re not here to label anyone good or bad. We’re here to match the income figure with the actual professional capacity, availability, and local market. The Formula’s toggles are all green. A full-time sonographer imputation is faithful to the rule and fair to the child.”

Full stop. No fireworks. Just fidelity to the standard.

Alternate Endings (Because This Is Still a Projection)

Ending A: The Straight-Up Imputation. The court finds the professional capacity established, adopts a full-time hour count, selects a conservative base wage within the exhibit range, and recalculates support accordingly. The order states whether a parental-time offset was used and the exact overnights. It reads like a checklist—and checks every box.

Ending B: The Half-Step. If the court balks at the professional pay band (today), it still corrects the hours to at least 35 at the rate it did accept, with a notation that professional capacity evidence remains open for the next review. It’s not the crescendo, but it’s still on-key.

Why I’m Calm About This

Because when you stop arguing preferences and start aligning toggles, the record writes itself. The Formula is not a vibes-based art form. It’s a console. You set the levels; you get the mix. Credentials, availability, full-time hours, local wages—click, click, click, click. The output is fair and durable.

FAQ the Judge Didn’t Ask (But I’m Ready For)

Q: Are you asking for overtime, premiums, or 41 hours?

A: No. Only full-time (35–40) at base wage. Keep it clean, no sugar on top.

Q: What if she says she’s out of practice?

A: Certifications speak loudly about present capacity. And the market speaks loudly about present need.

Q: What if personal preference conflicts with the Formula?

A: Preference isn’t a factor. Capacity is.

Epilogue: Why This Matters

This isn’t about winning a point; it’s about getting the number right for a teenager at the threshold of everything. Support should reflect a parent’s true professional capacity—not the soft padding of a convenient narrative. The law already gives us the toggles; we just had to slide them where they belong.

If this projection becomes reality, I won’t chest-bump the hallway air. I’ll thank the process for doing what it does best: protecting kids by tying support to real capacity, not wishful thinking.

Credits & Curtain Call

• Cast: Plaintiff (your friendly neighborhood satirist), Mrs. Fowel, lawyer Ozzyburn, A Very Patient Judge, and our Russian Blue Court Reporter.

• Setting: Eaton County Courthouse, November 17 (projection).

• Props: Exhibits showing credentials, commute windows, local wage data, and the clearest four toggles in Michigan.

Whether the ending is A or B, it’s still music—because it’s still faithful to the score.

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PS: If you spotted the word “Slade,” yes, it’s our running joke. It’s not a sword; it’s a standard—clean cuts, straight lines, and a mix that sounds like the truth.